The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
