Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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