At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm bleeding and have questions
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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