i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
