Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
