M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
