U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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