From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
