if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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