Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dear god my vagina.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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