whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
