Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
