I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
