two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
