I heard we made out
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
