'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
