Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
