So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
