thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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