Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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