6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
