They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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