we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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