Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
