AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
