remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
