New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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