Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
