i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
