fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
