I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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