I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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