No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
