Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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