Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
