my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
