i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
