I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
