I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
