My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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