Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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