Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
