Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
