so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She bit a glass in half.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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