:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Watching her eat just hurts me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
