I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
