He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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