Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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