Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
