There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
