It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
