I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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