Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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