So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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