Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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